Four years ago I wrote "A Heart and Mind Ablaze" as an act of healing from a relationship that nearly killed me. The real "Blaze" had shattered me one summer evening of 2019, stating he no longer wanted to see me. The thought of losing what I considered to be the most extraordinary romantic relationship literally made me not want to live. It was late at night when he broke the news via text. I remember contemplating the death of a local woman many years prior, how she drowned herself in the Hudson River. I thought about doing the same. Each millisecond became excruciating. I did not know how to cope with the immense pain. I cried out to God, sobbing, desperate, stating I did not know how to get through each moment. The pain was so intense. Every moment felt like eternity. Eventually God gifted me with slumber, though I have no recollection of actually falling asleep. When I awoke, I felt a little better, as the desire to walk to and into the Hudson had passed. My heart and mind, however, were still overflowing with anguish every single moment. As a result of that pain, I decided to write my love story with Blaze as a way to get my love for and pain from him out of my being. I also decided to write the outcome I had hoped for: a happy ending for myself and Blaze. I completed it in less than two months.
After finishing "A Heart and Mind Ablaze" I continued to extract Blaze from my heart and mind by ridding myself of any thing he had ever given me; then venturing onto dating apps, and subsequently forcing myself to actually go on dates with other people. I cried and screamed; felt anger and rage. My abandonment wounds erupted and I honored and worked through them. I gave myself grace and mercy providing a safe place to feel and release the pain and anger from Blaze and the wounds. And eventually, as I continued to face and deal with the pain, I started to move out of the place of thinking there was something wrong with me into understanding that the issue was with him. There was nothing and is nothing wrong with me. He didn't or couldn't be with me because of his own ineptitude. As the distance between us grew, a miraculous thing transpired: I began to fall in love with me.
A few weeks ago (present day), four years after Blaze broke me, I ran into him in real life. We were at the same event. He was chatting, I was chatting, we were even chatting with each other. As this was happening, I looked at Blaze, really taking him in. And in my head I heard, "This is the man you made into God? This is the man you thought about killing yourself over?" I honestly couldn't see it. I no longer saw him as gorgeous. I barely even saw him as attractive! Additionally, a few of the things he said were sexist which really pissed me off. The only redeeming quality I encountered was his sense of humor. That's all he had left of the amazing attributes I had previously assigned to him. And in that moment, I understood the entirety of our relationship, including the demise of it, was precisely for me to fall in love with me. And I am so glad I did.
Time and effort, on my part, did heal the wounds brought to the surface by my relationship with Blaze. If I can come back from wanting to die, so can you. The magic potion is not attempting to avoid the pain but instead fully face it, fully feel it, then you will be set free. Pain Hurts! The journey is not easy. You may even think you are over a person only to have feelings surface again when listening to a song or a memory inadvertently popping up. But when it is finally over, it is over. And you will feel very far from the person you once were. You will feel as if you are beginning a new chapter in life or maybe even a new book. Growth hurts but know this: some of the rewards are personal power, peace, self love, knowledge and wisdom.
The aforementioned rewards are priceless.