After a Loved One Dies

My mom passed a few years ago , and the road to healing has been long. Her dying process didn't help as she had glioblastoma, the deadliest form of brain cancer. Her mind was unable to process information as a cancer free brain does, so i didn't get to have any of the "beautiful dying moments".

Since her death, I have felt like a ship that isn't even keeled. Where is my center, who am i now, where do i go from here have been my thoughts and feelings. The energy I once possessed has been laden with a sadness and heaviness of having lost my best friend. It is strange being without parents. Having spent the past five months allowing myself to grieve has helped me to feel a bit more like myself. But it is no where near the place I was at when she passed. And maybe that is part of the purpose. Maybe I am not meant to return to my former state of being, but to arrive someplace anew. It is a growing pain of shedding skin and not knowing what the new skin will look like and how it will function. The process has been slow and hard to explain to people who haven't lived it.

Allowing myself to grieve has made itself the most important thing for me to do. For anyone going through something similar, don't give up, stay the course. We do improve. I started smoking cigarettes again (for three months) after a 25 year hiatus when my mom died. I haven't gone back to smoking again, and I have been taking care of myself. Baby steps are still steps, and that is okay. Keep feeling, keep crying, keep thinking, keep talking, and most of all, keep living.